


Kristina and Brittany and the Horrible-Terrible-Nasty-Horrific-Out-Right-Wrong Idea

by unknowableroom_archivist



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2008-02-16
Updated: 2008-02-16
Packaged: 2019-01-19 23:16:40
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,820
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12420279
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/unknowableroom_archivist/pseuds/unknowableroom_archivist
Summary: Crabbe and Goyle, stop asking them out.





	Kristina and Brittany and the Horrible-Terrible-Nasty-Horrific-Out-Right-Wrong Idea

**Author's Note:**

> Note from ChristyCorr, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [Unknowable Room](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Unknowable_Room), a Harry Potter archive active from 2005-2016. To preserve the archive, I began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project after May 2017. I e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [Unknowable Room collection profile](http://www.archiveofourown.org/collections/unknowableroom).

 

Disclaimer: I own absolutely nothing. All the canon characters/themes belong to J.K Rowling, and this fic is based on "Who Are These Boys?" by The Parselmouths. If you haven't heard of them, go check out their myspace (www.myspace.com/theparselmouths) or their website (theparselmouthsband.wordpress.com).

 

 

   Hello, my dear readers. Allow me to introduce myself: I am your humble narrarator. I am here to tell you a story (Obviously. Who writes these scripts, anyway? Hmm? Because I really think that informing the readers that I'm telling a story is just a bit unnecesary. This is, after all, a story.). No, no, scratch that; not a story, but an epic tale. Yes, that's much better. Now, before I begin retelling this tale, I must warn you; this is not for the squeamish. Some elements of this story are just to gruesome for young readers. I mean, these are some seriously ugly boys we're talking about. Really. So, I mean, if you have a particularly weak stomache, you might want to click the back button. No? Alright, then. But you've been forewarned. Now, onward we march.   
  
Our story begins on a bright, sunny day at Hogwarts school of Witchcraft and Wizardry. On this day, our heroines could be found lounging beside the lake, watching Draco Malfoy as he strolled leisurely beside his girlfriend, Pansy Parkinson. Crabbe and Goyle followed the two, looking much like gorillas.

"He is so hot." Brittany sighed dreamily.

"I know. I mean, just look at that hair!" Kristina agreed as she twirled a strand of her long blonde hair.

Brittany and Kristina loved Draco Malfoy, as you might have guessed. They loved him almost as much as they loved Professor Lupin, and thought he was almost as gorgeous as Harry Potter. Almost. But, since both Professor Lupin and Harry Potter were off limits/not available (They hadn't seen Professor Lupin in over a year, and you couldn't date someone who you never saw. And as for Harry, well...he was a Gryffindor! Their reputations would be ruined!), they ended up directing most of their adoration towards Draco.

"I really don't understand why he's with her." Kristina's dreamy expression turned to one of loathing as she looked at Pansy. Brittany narrowed her eyes as well.

"Ugh! I know! She's nearly as atrocious-looking as Granger!"

"Yuck!" The two said simultaneously, scrunching their cute little noses.

"And she's such a bimbo." Brittany added.

"Sweet Merlin, I know! Last week, in Herbology, she didn't know what a mandrake was!" Kristina giggled and looked over at Brittany.

"No! How did I miss that?" Brittany's jaw dropped and she snorted in a very unflattering manner.

"Yes! It was when you were in Hospital wing with that awful cold. It was so funny!"

"Merlin. You'd think she was muggleborn, or something!" Brittany shook her head. The two sat in silence for a few moments, studying their nails.

"Oh my hinkypunk, Tina."

"What?" Kristina asked, eyes wide.

"Did you see those shoes Granger was wearing yesterday?" Kristina let out a shout of laughter.

"Yes! They were horrid! And so clunky!"

"I know! Honestly, that girl has absolutely no taste." Brittany rolled her eyes.

* * *

  
The rest of the day passed rather uneventfully, although some poor little Hufflepuff third year did show up for lunch with a completely hideous haircut, which Brittany and Kristina, of course, found very funny. It was much later, as our heroines sat discussing the days events in the common room, that the first chaper of our tale begins.

"-looked like a punch bowl!" Kristina giggled and propped her feet up on the coffee table across from her.

"And those bangs!" Brittany snorted as she laughed. She was holding a copy of 'Teen Witch'.

"But it really is sad, you know." Brittany said seriously after the two had sobered.

"Yes, it is. I don't know what I would do if my hair looked like that." Kristina shuddered. She fingered a lock of blonde hair gently.

"But still. It was funny."

"Of course." Kristina and Brittany nodded in unison, and Brittany had just opened her mouth to say something when a rather deep, trollish voice interrupted.

"Kristina, Brittany?"

The two girls looked up curiously...

And were greeted with a very horrible image. Crabbe and Goyle standing over them, stupid smiles etched onto their chubby faces.

"Oh. Erm, hello?" Kristina and Brittany exchanged alarmed glances. Kristina removed her feet from the coffee table.

"Hi. Er, we wanted to ask you something." Goyle said stupidly, and Crabbe nodded.

"Okay..." Kristina raised her eyebrows and exchanged a confused glance with Brittany.

"We were, um, wondering if you two might want to go on an, um, date with, um, us?" Crabbe asked, scratching his head.

Kristina's jaw dropped. Brittany's eyes were the size of cucumber slices.

"What?!" The two shrieked simultaneously, jumping to their feet.

"Yeah. We think you're pretty." Goyle tried to smirk- no doubt imitating Draco- and failed miserably. His face merely looked more baboon-ish.

"Erm. No." Brittany waved slightly and dragged Kristina up the dormitory stairs.

"Brittany?" Kristina's eyes were very, very wide and glazed over.

"Yes, Tina?" Brittany looked slightly nauseous.

"That really didn't happen, did it?"

"I-I....I think it did." Brittany whispered, grabbing onto the stair rail for support.

"What in MERLIN'S NAME would make them think that they could ask us out?!" Kristina wondered, a look of disgust crossing her face.

"I have no clue! But...well, we just won't tell anyone that they asked. And we did say no, so...let's just go to bed. Tomorrow, we can just act like it never happened."

* * *

  
If only that were the end. If only Crabbe and Goyle had taken 'no' for an answer and moved on with their poor, miserable, goon-ish lives. But, of course, if they had, this story would be much less interesting, and my job so very dull. So, naturally, as Kristina and Brittany slept peacefully (save a few nightmares featuring some very ugly boys), they were completely unaware that Crabbe and Goyle had no intention of taking theire 'no' seriously. On the contrary, they took it as a sign to continue...erm....courting them.

"NO!" Kristina and Brittany were mad. Very, very mad. Crabbe and Goyle had been following them around all day. And when I say following, I mean stalking.

"Come on, please? It will be so rad!" Goyle said, looking at Kristina hopefully.

"Ugh! NO WAY IN AZKABAN!" She yelled, stomping her foot in annoyance. Goyle took a step towards her; his face was inches from hers.

"Come on, Kristina. You know you want to." He tried to smirk again. And failed. Again. Kristina guaffed.

"Goyle?" She said, her voice sugary sweet.

"Yeah?"

"GET OUT OF MY BUBBLE!" She yelled, shoving him backwards.

"Bubble?" He asked, scratching his head. Kristina rolled her eyes.

"Yes. Bubble. You know? Like, my personal space bubble? No, wait, my zone. You are currently in my zone. GET OUT OF MY ZONE, GOYLE!"

Brittany, who was a few feet away, wasn't having any better luck.   
  
"Go. Away." She gritted her teeth to keep from yelling and clenched her fists tightly.

"You know you want me, Brittany. I already have our whole date planned..." Crabbe winked suggestively. Well, he tried to wink suggestively, anyway.

Brittany was not impressed.

"No, I do not want you. And if you ever try to wink like that again, I will gouge your eye out." She threatened, narrowing her eyes. Crabbe, who wasn't the most perceptive guy around, didn't get the message. He took another step towards her. Brittany sniffed. And then wrinkled her nose.

"Ew! What is that smell?" She sniffed again and covered her nose.

"Cologne, love. It's what real men wear." Crabbe winked again.

"ARG!" Brittany stalked towards Kristina and grabbed her arm.

"Come on." Kristina linked her arm through Brittany's greatfully and the two set off walking faster than they ever had.

"That was horrific!" Brittany shuddered, looking behind her to make sure Crabbe and Goyle weren't following them. They were, of course, but they couldn't seem to catch up.

"I know! Did you see that goon? He was all up in zone! And I was all,' Goyle, get out of my zone!' and he was all, you know. Up in my zone!"

"Ugh. I swear, Tina, Crabbe's cologne was so nasty, it almost knocked me out!"

"Gross!" Kristina grabbed Brittany's hand and pulled her into a nearby classroom. They peeked outside the door and watched as Crabbe and Goyle turned the corner. Kristina sat down on a desk, and Brittany sat on the chair that belonged to said desk.

"Brittany, how are we going to get them to leave us alone?" Kristina asked, looking down at Brittany with a sniff.

"I don't have a single clue!" Brittany sniffed as well.

"..."

Suddenly, Brittany's eyes widened considerably in horror.

"Kristina?"

"Yes?"

"I have...one horrible-terrible-nasfy-horrific-out-right-wrong-idea." Brittany covered her face with her hand.

"What is it?" Kristina demanded, her eyes widening.

"Well....I mean...they've been following us all day. And...well, they'll probably do it again tomorrow...so...I mean...we could...well..." Brittany let out a sob. Kristina patted her on the back.

"Go on." She said gently, grabbing a box of tissues from the window sill and handing one to Brittany.

"We could...we...we have to go on a...a...a date with them! It's the only way they'll leave us alone!" Brittany sobbed into her tissue.

"What?! NO!" Kristina wailed, jumping to her feet.

"It's the o-only w-way!" Brittany continued to sob loudly.

"But I don't wanna!" Kristina buried her face in a tissue.

"W-we have to, Tina! Or they'll never leave us alone!"

"Brittany. If anyone, anyone found out that we went on a date with those goons...we'd have to eat lunch in the bathroom! And hide in a toilet, like Myrtle!" Kristina reasoned desperately, grabbing Brittany's hand.

"I know. But, we have to do it."

"And at least we know that even if people do find out, we'll still be more popular that Granger."

"That's true." Kristina brightened up a bit.

"And we'll still be prettier than she is." She added.

"Yes." Brittany agreed, blowing her nose into her tissue.  
  
And so, as the setting sun colored the sky with pinks and purples, our heroines went off to face their impending doom. And by that, I mean they informed Crabbe and Goyle that they had decided to accompany them on one date-and one date only. Needless to say, they had a rather dreadful night, most of which was spent sobbing into tissues and wishing that Crabbe and Goyle were dead. Or unconcious. Or...well, you get the point. Eventually, both girls drifted into an uneasy sleep, but both dreamed about the horrible things that were bound to occur the following Saturday.

 

A/N: Did you like it? Should I continue writing this? Review, Review, Review!


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